Approach

From the vast range of methods and techniques available in my field – many of which I have used – over the years I have consciously selected a few.

They represent a body of thought that has shaped me both as a person and as a professional. They have also become lenses that enable me to work with coaching questions at the deeper levels of awareness.

 

Below, I outline the three most important methods and techniques:

  • Systemic Work
  • Voice Dialogue
  • Nonviolent Communication

Systemic Work

Systemic Work is an approach, a method that helps to reveal how things were and are within our family system of origin, and how this has shaped us into the person we are today. It reaches beyond the levels of skills and behaviour to the deepest layers of our awareness: where our earliest memories lie, where our identity was formed, and which are built upon what already existed before we were born.

 

During various systemic training programmes, I learned to view coaching questions from a systemic perspective. This lens helps me to see the dynamics within your family of origin (the family system) and how you unconsciously carry these dynamics into your work (the task system). Well-functioning systems are characterised by a number of universal laws or organising principles. When these principles are disrupted, this affects the individual members of a system, often extending into subsequent generations. Through the use of constellations and other systemic interventions, I have learned to make disturbed loyalties and dynamics visible, as well as the movements towards restoration.

 

Since completing these training programmes, I have looked at myself and those around me with a broader, systemic perspective and am able to work with growth and development around deeply rooted patterns at the level of identity.

Voice Dialogue

Voice Dialogue is also a method focused on development and growth at the level of identity. This approach makes it possible to give a voice to inner parts – your sub-personalities. When some of these voices are too loud and others too quiet, an imbalance arises that can cause difficulties. Think of a dominant Perfectionist, a Pleaser or an Inner Driver that pushes you to do things you no longer truly want. Things that may have brought you many benefits, but often at the cost of enormous amounts of energy.

 

Voice Dialogue makes it possible to uncover the origins of these voices, along with their thoughts, feelings, needs and strategies. It also helps you discover voices that can counterbalance them. In this way, you learn to listen to all sides of yourself and to take greater ownership. This gives you more freedom of choice, increases your capacity to deal with vulnerability, and fosters greater self-acceptance.

Nonviolent Communication

Nonviolent Communication is a way of communicating in which empathy is the guiding thread for creating and maintaining connection with others and with yourself. In the early 1990s, I first encountered Nonviolent Communication, and since then I have become increasingly aware of how judgemental – and therefore how violent – our communication with one another and with ourselves often is. We do this in four ways:

  1. I am not OK, you are not OK
  2. I am not OK, you are OK
  3. I am OK, you are not OK
  4. I am OK, you are OK

 

The first three ways create distance between people and/or from themselves. Only the fourth enables sustainable connection, through communication rooted in compassion.

Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of this approach, taught me that judgements are expressions of unmet needs. These unmet needs lead to negative feelings, which in turn result in a loss of energy. By learning to let go of judgement and replacing it with care for unmet needs, you not only build connection; you also stop the negative feelings and therefore the loss of energy.

A large proportion of the coaching questions people bring to me relate to this. That is why I use this approach so frequently.